My Testimony

Life is amazing. I have lived awhile on this place we call earth. I have been blessed with wonderful parents, beautiful children, and many husbands. LOL the later I have been married to 14 years. Although, we have had our ups and downs we hang in there. I am Mormon, which means I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints. I have a testimony that the Lord loves me, and knows me by name. And knows the feelings of my heart. I believe that Thomas Monson is a true and Living prophet of God. I believe the true gospel of Jesus Christ was restored by a 14 year old boy that in a time of religious turmoil went into the woods to pray. That he saw God the father and his son Jesus Christ. That he was taught by angels. I believe that Elijah the prophet was returned and gave the keys to him that made it possible for all men and women to be sealed together forever as a family. That the apostles Peter, James and John restored the keys to the priesthood. And although many would call what I believe as being referenced as a cult. It is not. Joseph Smith was and is a true prophet of God, he endured much pain and agony and sealed his testimony with his blood. I was raised in the gospel and later in life due to events beyond my control caused me to doubt everything. I left the church but, never lost my belief in the truths of it. I was re-baptized a couple years ago. I have found a personal relationship with my Father in Heaven. I am not rich in things of this world, but I am rich in blessings. I love my Father in Heaven with all my heart, might, mind and soul. I invite all to read the Book of Mormon and pray about the truthfulness of the gospel. The Book of Mormon was never intended to take the place of the bible, rather it gives a second testimony of Jesus Christ. It goes hand in hand with the Bible. It tells of an ancient time here on the American continent, that the risen Lord visited us here. And probably explains why the Indian nations talk about a great white spirit that visited them. But, no one has to take my word for it. Pray and read and find out for yourself. This is my Testimony, that I leave for all to see and read. I am not forcing it upon anyone, I am just giving an invitation to test what I say is true. I so Love my Father in Heaven so much, through him all things are possible! I leave this Testimony, my testimony that I know it is true!

Appreciation

I have found that as I have gotten older I have a greater appreciation for those amazing people in my life. I have met some very lovely friends from England while on one of our cruises and although they are clear across the pond they have been a great source of friendship one that we felt a connection right from the start. I have a husband that always tries to do things to make me happy. Although we have had good and bad times in the 13.5 years we have been married I think of all of those experiences as an opportunity for growth. I have two amazing daughters from my first marriage that are a great source of encouragement. Then my step children and four adopted children that too are always there to either listen or be a help to me when times are rough. Not to mention the 20 almost 21 grandchildren that we have between us. I do not believe that I am the only person that has gone through some pretty tough things. I am still standing and although sometimes it feels like my world is falling apart I have a higher source of help. Although I admit kneeling is a bit tough because of my arthritis it seems while I am there and when I rise back up to my feel I feel a bit stronger and always feel that I have been heard. Always when I rise I feel a strength within that helps me to go on. I believe if life was easy and we had no trials in our lives we would never learn and grow. So I am grateful for all my experiences good and bad. They say that when life gives you lemons make lemonade. I think that is a good way to look at it. For those who have read my poetry books thank you! And for those who have not I think they are pretty good and there is something in them for everyone. I would encourage you to read them. I choose to be happy no matter what is going on in my life. I hope those who visit here or read my books will find the good also. Make it a great day!

Happiness a choice or a reaction?

Tonight I have been thinking because I woke up with this major cold, head felt like a balloon and my nose running like it was in a race to see what fluids could escape faster. So when I was trying to wake up I started listening to Gilbert O'Sullivan one of my all time favorite people. His music filled my teen years and now way way down the road from there I still get the same enjoyment. I thought of how depressed I have been lately with the economy in such a mess and the constant barking between the parties, now I will admit I don't hold any great love for this administration and in fact I believe they are attempting to drag us into a Marxist society. I don't feel that their claims that they care about the middle class are anything but spitting words that mean no more to them than spitting out political garbage. A fudal attempt at gaining acceptance from those of who believe they care nothing about the little people middle class and those impoveraged. They spout out that it is Corporate America that has brought this ressesion upon us without recogonizing that it is Corporate Amaerica that is able to create the jobs and ability for growth of smaller companies that employ the rest of us. Personally at this point I believe that if they don't grow up and start to work together despite their differences no one is going to win. Especially the middle class and those living in poverty. But, I only mention that because despite the affairs of our country which directly impacts the rest of the world economy by the way. That is not what this blog is about. This blog is about whether happiness is a choice or a reaction. I woke up sick but when I allowed myself to listen to music that makes me smile none of the worlds problems seemed to matter for a moment. For in that moment I was sick and have been carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders for a while yet I was happy. Happier than I have been in a very long time. I have have wonderful moments spent with family that made a few weekends bareable. And I was happy while I was experiencing those moments. But I realize tonight in a way it is both that create this feeling of uphoria. It is both a choice and a reaction, We can choose to be happy but when you add something that sparks happier times it is a reaction. So there you have it I believe firmly this is my theory that Happiness is both, a choice and a reaction. May we in this holiday season remember to combine the both and enjoy the season. And may those with the responsibility of rebuilding the ecomony learn and work together. Both have positives they can learn from eachother. May they wake up and realize that working together gets you farther than tearing eachother apart! Merry Christmas!

Accident or planned? Oops!

Years ago my sister told me I was a mistake, being I was just a young person at the time I figured that meant I wasn't wanted. Not understanding the meaning of the word "oops". So I asked my sweet mother and she laughed and said, "Susie, you were not exactly planned but that doesn't mean we didn't learn to love you and were glad that you were our child." I thought to myself, hummmm they had to learn to love me. Kids are like that especially young teens. Now that I am much, much older I realize that I was was indeed loved and in a way I was no accident. I was sent here for a reason. Although at times I am not sure why but I feel in my soul I was meant to be. My mother had tea leaves read when she was having what we refer to as her first set of children because there was 6 yrs between the four older children and the last two my sister and I. She was told she would have 6 children and she did, the first unfortunately was stilborn. And that it would be a girl with brown eyes. Well, that was me. So someone in the universe knew I was supposed to be. Life has thrown many curve balls at me that I would much have prefered it wouldn't have but yet, I have learned from each experience and I think I am a better person because of it. You would think by the time I reached 53 I would know what I wanted to be when I grow up but, I guess I haven't grown up yet. As a child and even in my teen years my goal was to be a wife and mother, well I have been a wife many, many times and I am a mother. So I got part of the dream I was going to have the white picket fence and live happily ever after. Well, that part was where the obsticals got in the way. I did achieve my dream of graduating from College I have a Bachelor of Science degree in history, my minor was sociology. Didn't get my teaching certificate like I should have done but, that in itself is another story. So...here I am an oops that has a purpose but I still don't know what that purpose is. I don't do drugs, never got into that scene. I live a somewhat normal life. I get up every night and go to work, then go home after my shift. I have 4 adopted children only one is left at home and a granddaughter I am raising. I believe in what many have forgotten or just don't understand I believe in a kind and wise Heavenly Father that loves me, who knows my name and my needs. I don't believe he has ever walked away from me although for a time I walked away from him. I believe he knows what my purpose is. But, isn't giving me clues that I am able to diserarn. Many of you have already guessed, "Yes, I am a morman." Do I always do the right things, oops nope I don't. I make mistakes just like everyone else. And even though many times I lose faith in myself and just lose faith I know my Father in Heaven never loses faith in me. I was blessed with two natural daughters, so beautiful and amazing I can't express. That no matter what never give up hope in this old lady. Many of my adopted children don't understand me when I scold or attempt to get them to open their eyes to a better life. But, I love them regardless. Trust me being a step parent slash adoptive parent isn't easy and if you are looking for easy this is not the road you want to be on. But, I have no regrets other than I wish I could have made a difference. So, here I sit technically I am not 53 until 5:36 am but I will accept my fate what ever it may be. My body thinks it is a hundred and ten osteoarthritis all over and work injuries so that I have trouble getting around very well. But, mistake... oops what ever it is I am. I am. Therefore, I will continue to get up every night (I am a graveyard shift person) and continue on because that is all I can do. I could give up because life is beating me down right now but that wouldn't make my children proud. Or my ancestors so on I go. One day at a time. I can say I have loved and been loved by many. Have met some pretty amazing people in my 53 yrs, So, Happy Birthday to me! I made it to 53!

A Lesson for Me in life....

Where I grew up it was a small farming community, sure we had a 2 yr junior college but, it took combining several small towns to make up a high school that had at least 400 students. When I was young we had a party line, for those who are too young to remember those it meant that you shared your line with several other families. And many times made it possible for town gossip to go around. Later we had a rotary dial phone. And usually it had a long cord so it could reach throughout the house. There were no cell phones, or hand held touchtone phones. We got up at the first sign of dawn and didn't go to bed till the sun was going down. Summers were spent helping out on the farm. During sheep sheering season us younger kids got to pack the shaved wool into long tubes that we would take up to Brigham City to the woolen mills there. Often we would get blankets for Christmas from those trips. My cousins and I would junp and jump inside those tubes we thought it was such fun little did we know we were actually working. I remember when the sheep started lambing. Dad would often be gone extra early. Sometimes he would bring some home ones that either the mother had passed while giving birth or for what ever reason didn't want her baby. Sometimes he could fool the ones that the lambs had died into taking on one of those lambs but when he had tried all of that and nothing had worked he brought them home with any sick lanbs. It was us kids job to feed them via bottles, keep their pens clean and them clean also. Dad would give any medicine if needed for the scours but they became our friends, in effect our babies. Later in the summer when it was time to bail the hay and bring it in I was called upon to drive the tractor while my brother and father loaded the wagons. I remember thinking how boring it was and as I would be riding along I would be singing songs that I could rememeber all the words too. Like the Everly Brothers.... Dream and Patsy Cline Crazy LOL I guess the point I am trying to make is from an early age I learned the value of work and believed that if people were kind and generous, that we should be also. I have had times in my life when I needed help and because of the sacrifices of others my needs were met. I took advantage of giving back by volenteering to work at the church cheese plant or help in some other way to show my gratitude. I have found myself with some mixed feelings lately and I believe I need to repent of judgeing others. It isn't how one pays kindness back and it isn't my place to say it isn't good enough. I have worked hard all my life and I guess I had formed certain ideals of how one should in a way repay charity when it is given. But, I now realize it isn't up to me. I need to be concerned with my own issues my own life not that of another. Maybe that is what it means that Charity never faileth. Because I have been given much I too must give. And I have been given much. Not just for physical needs but for spiritual also. And when you look at it we are all accountable to the Lord for his Charity. The greatest gift of all, a gift that we can never fully repay. I only hope that the lord can forgive me my weakness. I have enough of my own issues to take care of I need not worry about whether another is doing enough or the right thing. Whether it be one of my children or not. I must stand for myself at the last day. I only hope that I can take this lesson and remember it so that I never to it again. After all isn't that what repentance is all about?

Because He Lives....

I have been thinking alot about my life lately. I have made changes in my life, and gone back to the religion of my youth. The religion that I have always loved and believed in. For a while I lost my faith and hence lost my way. But, because my Heavenly Father loves me, and because he lives there is no task so great that I can not endure. At the age of 52 I am plagued with osteoarthritis, facet disease, spondiliosis and degenerative bone disease. Yet, though I am in pain every single day now I still have hope that one day when I see my Heavenly Father all will be restored and I will walk normally again and will once again be able to run. I believe there is a honest and pure Prophet of God that leads and directs the Church of Jesus Christ of LatterDay Saints. That there are special wittnesses of this known to many as the Apostles that testify of Jesus Christ. I know there are many that do not believe and to them I am grateful to say that I believe in free agency and if they do not choose to believe that is ok. But, allow me the right to believe as I choose. I do not force anyone to believe as I do, but beleive if they would open their hearts they would see why I believe. It has been a life changing event. Has my life become easier since my return, nope in fact in some ways it has become more difficult but I believe that this life is but a moment and if I can just hang on everything will work out for the best. I believe that I have a Heavenly Father that not only loves me but that he knows me personally by name. I believe that I am a part of something far larger than myself. That I will see my parents again even though they have long since past. And my grandparents and all those that have gone on and are waiting for my return. I have a family an enturnal family. That will go on throughout the eternities. I believe that we are all given opportunities for growth and some of those opportunities are at times difficult. But, that I am not alone. That I can talk to my Heavenly Father any time and he will listen and answer my prayers. I may not recieve the answers that I want but always it will be the right answer for me. Just as with any parent sometimes the answer is no. I believe that through repentance I can become pure before my father. I hope to stand clean and pure before him one day. What a blessing it is to know I just have to do it one day at a time. Prior to my re-baptism I had to quit smoking something I had done for 13 yrs. It has been a difficult task because even now months later I have the desire to pick it up again. But, a couple of days ago I borrowed my granddaughters CTR ring and every time I feel the desire to smoke or curse or even when thoughts that are not right pass into my mind if I turn the ring for a moment I am able to get rid of those thoughts. It seems like a simple thing but it has worked for me. I believe that there are Three distinct personages that make up the GodHead. My Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and a special one who is refered to as the comforter or Holy Ghost that make up the trinity. I do not believe that they are one personage. I believe that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the World and that he died for me and all who would believe in his name. That he took on the sins of the world that caused his such great pain that he blead from every pore. That he rose on the thrid day making it possible for us to live again. It totally amazes me that he loves us so much that he would do such a wonderful and great thing as this. That he did this great thing of his own will and choice that he could have just said no but, he didn't. When I feel alone or afraid now I know that he is near and hears my prayers. Do I make mistakes you bet I do but knowing I can repent and be forgiven if I humble myself and try to never do those things again. What a gift... I believe that life is a gift that each day should be charished. Even the hard days. For with each lies lessons for us if we just open ourselves up to it. I am so grateful to the Lord for all that I have, All of this is made possible because he lives. Because he lives I will find strength to fight against the tempers power. I felt tonight that I needed to share my testimony that I believe.... Because he lives.

Generations...

As I sit here tonight I think of my 14 almost 15 yr old daughter and a conversation that we had yesturday. Throughout all time each generation believes that the one before just doesn't understand them. And of course with that things were always so much easier when the older generation was at that same stage in life. And I am sure my sweet daughter will not comprehend until she too lives life a while that Oh, my gosh my mother really did understand. The excuses for problems that are faced could keep a comedian busy for an entire evening. It must be my old brain that causes me to not realize that algebra was not difficult back when I took it in school. It is because of technology and the advanced learning capibilities that makes it more difficult. And part of that statement may very well be true. However, my classmates and I we were never allowed a calculator in class or to be used on an exam. And apparently Algebra now isn't the same and on that it may very well be true. There have been advancements in what is being taught in the schools since I was in High School. And even since my graduation from Utah State University for that matter 1988 was a long time ago. And the learning disabilities I was informed I had while at college aparently don't qualify for any compassion. Nor the fact that while in college I was a single parent of two the oldest being 8 when I graduated and her sister just two years younger because it wasn't of course my daughters fault I had her sisters back then that was my choice. I do not doubt that my daughter's 9th grade year hasn't been challenging. However, as I recall of course with the dementia that I must be experiencing my ninth grade experience was very simular. But, this new generation quite frankly is selfish and lazy. Now, because I don't want to make the same generalization my young daughter made there must be some out there that are not that way.... somewhere. I don't think of myself as terribly old early fifties. Although via genetics arthritis has taken it's toll. But, it amazes me that unless you specifically (and this theory doesn't always work either) tell a teenager to do something even though they can obviously see something should be done. Will walk right past it and leave it for someone else. And heaven forbid that they do a job that was requested to be completed by a sibling. That would be down right wrong. Granted I grew up in a rural community and had specific jobs that needed to be done. It was expected in the summer that I would have to help with the hay which included cutting, and or bailing or driving the tractor so my father could load the bails on a wagon. I was expected to help in the spring to pack the wool so it could be taken to the woolen mills. (which I admit was fun when I was smaller)And branding and de-horning the cows and casteration. Or by taking care of the "Bummer Lambs" the one's who's mother either died or wouldn't feed the lamb. Expecting nothing more than a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food to eat and occasionally something special. If I wanted "name brand clothing" I had to have a job on the side to pay for it. And I do remember complaining at times. But, the one hold my parents had on me was I could never stand to see my mother cry. Not for any reason. If she did it bothered me. Now my young daughter was correct many of my hardships I brought on myself. I married too young and was divorced by the time I was 24. But, I have never suggested that this was anyone's fault but, my own. Not only are children these days arrogant and lazy but, they always want to blame someone else for their problems. Do I love my daughter? More than you could imagine. And I am quite sure at times I snapped at my parents the line that they didn't understand how hard things were. But, lets put things in perspective here. My grandparents and their parents lives were far more difficult than my own. The hardships they faced were much more difficult than anything I can begin to imagine. They were fortunate if they got to go to school. There was always work to be done. But, even with my disability my children think I am wonder woman. I can work all night and in the daytime I can pick up after them. I guess that is what being a mom is now. A job that I have always wanted and have been grateful for. So, maybe the key is to stop looking at the foot prints on my back and realize that one day they will understand. Will I still be here to see that day well, that is up to the dear Lord I suppose. So for anyone who has teenagers or feels unappreciated well, you are not alone. But, I believe that one day their eyes will be opened and the realization that maybe they had helped more, there would have been more time for fun and the memories of their parents would be that of not being tired all the time but of all the things that they could have done to enjoy the time they had with their parents. I know I wish I had been more thoughtful. I wish I had listened more. And more than anything I wish I had one more day that I could spend with them just to tell them that I love them and appreciated all they did for me. I assume it has been this way since the begining of time....